Round III of the Fairy Tale Balloon Poll ended in a tie! Instead of begging more people to vote, I as the quizmaster have decided to host a CAGED MATCH TIEBREAKIN' FIGHT TO THE DEATH between Hansel and the Princess of the Pea. Oh, that's right. This party is about to go off the effin' reservation, kids.

If you want Hansel to leave, you'd better pick the Princess of the Pea and have her kick his ass. If you're aching to kick off the Princess, choose Hansel as your champion. The first one to cry uncle will walk the imaginary balloon's metaphorical plank!

[Poll #1378354]

Each attack move has a SECRET POINT VALUE which I will use to determine the overall outcome of the fight. I will of course post an official recap and scorecard after the poll is closed ... and by the way, the poll closes at midnight on Tuesday. Which means you have the rest of today and all of tomorrow to vote!

And I make no promises that certain moves might not backfire. ;)

Round One: Cinderella's stepmother
Round Two: Prince Charming

"Any minute now, if it's all right with Charming here," says the Beast through clenched and impressive incisors.

"Princess," begins Charming in a rather puffy way, "this glorified mongrel must be at least five hundred pounds. I trust that makes your decision easy."

"Her decision?" puts in Scheherezade, who is on her third shot of Baba Yaga's spirits and has rapidly coloring cheeks.

"Muscle outweighs fur," counters the Beast, but his words are pained, as if he is trying to control himself. Off a wink from Baba Yaga, he abandons this effort and hurls Prince Charming over the side in a frankly beautiful combination of movements. Little Red and Hansel gasp, the former with a dainty hand at her mouth; Gretel, on the other hand, looks thrilled. Rumpelstiltskin and the Frog Prince find it easiest to keep their expressions snide.

Sleeping Beauty rolls onto her other arm with a soft sigh.

"So does anyone know if she's likely to wake up?" Gretel pipes up, surprising everyone. Cinderella gives her a reproachful look, and Gretel shrugs. "Just thought it'd be an easy solution to our problem," she adds. "We can strap her with a parachute, can't we?"

"Do you see a parachute?" Rumpelstiltskin snaps, and earns himself a high-five from the Frog Prince.

Gretel just sulks.

"Gretel isn't wrong," says the Princess of the Pea carefully. "Sleeping Beauty is hardly contributing. And don't people weigh more when they're sleeping?"

"I'm sorry, where did you say you'd gotten your physics degree?" inquires the Frog Prince. Rumpelstiltskin erupts in guffaws, elbowing him in the side. The Princess rolls her royal eyes.

"Narcolepsy is hardly a choice," Cinderella argues. "She deserves a chance."

"I agree with Cinderella," announces Little Red.

"I agree with Little Red," adds Hansel, and simpers like a boy who's had a lot of practice at it.

"You're all feather-spined simpletons," Baba Yaga tells the assorted company. "Obviously we just need to make modifications to the propulsion system. I live in a moving house, for the Goddess's sake."

"And a summer cabin in Siberia," Scheherezade remarks. "Which is lovely."

"You speak English?" the flabbergasted Beast asks Baba Yaga. Cinderella nods as if she, too, is awaiting the witch's answer with bated breath.

"I speak Old Church Slavonic," Baba Yaga answers. "You think your little Anglo-Saxon grab bag is a challenge?"

"I have some great stories about that month I spent with you in the summer house," muses Scheherezade, lost in her thoughts. "God, was Vladivostok Customs hell ..."

"Maybe you can tell us after we decide who to toss out next," says Gretel: a child's awkward attempt at gallows humor. "The little arrow on the compass thingy is still bouncing."

[Poll #1376063]

Voting closes at the tail end of Thursday. Which is to say, 12:00 AM Friday, with leeway for your various time zones.

Round One: Cinderella's stepmother

"I vote you," says the Beast carefully. "And I'll have you know that this condition was brought about by nasty and insensitive behavior, in case that gives you pause."

"It doesn't," answers Cinderella's stepmother. "And for Heaven's sake, I was talking about her!" She points one truly knuckled finger at Baba Yaga; most of the company finds themselves surprised that her crimson nail isn't drooping under its own weight.

Baba Yaga mutters something that sounds suspiciously like "yob tvoyu mat."

"That wasn't very nice," Scheherezade notes, with amused detachment.

"I vote you, too," Cinderella announces, squaring her shoulders and facing her stepmother.

"Why, you little —"

The balloon's basket is tiny. It doesn't take long for the Beast to step forward, grab Auntie Cinders, and toss her, knobbly-limbed, over the edge. The Princess of the Pea ducks out of the way and clutches at her heart, bumping into Scheherezade, who primly adjusts her posture and her jewelry.

"Thank you," says Cinderella, ever-decorous. Prince Charming glares at the Beast.

"It was my pleasure," says the Beast.

Prince Charming attempts to add more ferocity to his glare, but he hasn't got the bone structure for it, and the whole bit just falls apart. Meanwhile, Hansel, Gretel, and Little Red Riding Hood are eyeing the proceedings as if they are being forced to watch an old film their parents always liked, and it's coming up on a twenty-seven-minute-long sex scene.

"This is all lovely," Rumpelstiltskin remarks, "but we're still losing altitude. And actually, it isn't lovely. I think you're all cretins."

"I feel like I could do tequila shots with you," says the Frog Prince with a friendly smile. The diminutive pair, perched just next to the altimeter and the dozing Beauty, glance at each other, as if to say: We must be the sardonic Greek Chorus of this lot, and we're okay with that.

"My gran says tequila makes your mind all wonky," Little Red Riding Hood pipes up.

"Yeah, my father told me that alcohol encourages unwise decision-making," agrees Hansel. Gretel looks as though she is trying very hard not to roll her eyes at her older brother. The Princess of the Pea seems desperate to agree with the two upright children, yet wary of the company's more dangerous elements.

"Your guardians are twits," says the Frog Prince.

"I see your dad outside the town brothel every Thursday," says Rumpelstiltskin.

"What's a brothel?" Red asks Hansel. Hansel looks at his hands, hoping they might tell him. Rumpelstiltskin and the Frog Prince cackle, while Prince Charming looks on with a confused mixture of envy and disapproval. In an attempt to catch Charming's eye, the Princess of the Pea contorts and jerks her perfect head. No one notices Baba Yaga pull a devilish little bottle from the sleeve of her cloak, clinking shot glasses with Scheherezade behind the Beast's impressive bulk.

"Uh, shouldn't we —" says Cinderella.

"Yes!" exclaim the Beast and Prince Charming at once, and a second glaring match begins.

[Poll #1372578]

Voting closes at midnight on Saturday. That's Friday night, for all you social creatures with lives outside of your computer!

(I so was not kidding before. And I thank you for your input! Some people were disqualified for not being from fairy tales, or for me not knowing enough about them, or silly stuff like that. You should play anyway though. It'll be fun.)

roz_mcclure: [note: all science in this is shit. because it is a balloon poll, and therefore about the most important questions of human survival, like, "who would you push out first, the loyal sidekick or the dashing antagonist?" SO THE WAY YOU PLAY IS: you vote for whoever you would throw out of the balloon, not who you want to stay in. Every few days, whoever has the most votes gets pitched over the edge and a new poll is put up with the remaining cast. JUST LIKE IN REAL LIFE!]

At the Aerospace Museum in Fairyland, curious business is afoot.

"This is gorgeous," says Cinderella, placing one light hand on the wicker basket to step herself aboard. "I've never seen a real hot-air balloon before."

"You haven't seen much of anything," her stepmother remarks; next to the woman, Rumpelstiltskin stifles a snort.

"Look at that marvelous detail work," Cinderella continues loudly, running her fingertips over the interior design of the balloon.

"Women," says the Frog Prince bitterly. "So obsessed with aesthetics. 'Oh, has he got the right shoes?' 'Oh, is this a Calvin Klein?' 'Oh, was he cute or were his teeth all weird?' Superficial bints, the lot of you."

"All it takes is a bit of effort," Prince Charming points out. "I could show you how to use my hair gel. It's really quite —"

"One more word and I'll set your precious hair on fire," the Frog Prince retorts.

"Uh, guys?" says the Beast, putting out one timid and well-experienced hand in attempt to halt the conflict. It's not easy to turn a blind eye to his hairy bulk, but somehow the two princes manage.

"You'll set my hair on fire, huh, slime guy?" sneers Charming. "How?"

"PROPANE!" Baba Yaga cackles, gleefully, and lights the burners. The balloon shakes, drifts; the ropes sway and slip out of their holdings; and before anybody has time to take action the entire company finds itself floating into the open sky. Little Red Riding Hood screams; Hansel and Gretel clutch each other; the Beast looks uncomfortable. Scheherezade eyes them all with a hefty dose of disdainful curiosity.

"Well, this is unpleasantly crowded," says the Princess of the Pea, and wrinkles her peerless nose.

"Sweetie, you ain't kiddin'," Rumpelstiltskin tells her. "Check the altimeter."

They all whirl to face the small device, most of which is currently covered by one snoring Sleeping Beauty. Cinderella gently lifts the dozing princess's arm, and the company gasps. They have reached 6,000 feet, but are not holding steady — in fact, they are falling fast.

[Poll #1369914]

(Yes, dudes. IT IS TOTALLY UP TO YOU! Voting closes in 24 hours.)

Once upon a time, roz_mcclure did a Shakespeare Balloon Poll.

And once upon another time, I was born a vicious copycat.

So here we are.

roz_mcclure: [note: all science in this is shit. because it is a balloon poll, and therefore about the most important questions of human survival, like, "who would you push out first, the loyal sidekick or the dashing antagonist?" SO THE WAY YOU PLAY IS: you vote for whoever you would throw out of the balloon, not who you want to stay in. Every few days, whoever has the most votes gets pitched over the edge and a new poll is put up with the remaining cast. JUST LIKE IN REAL LIFE!]

I was totally thinking about who would win in a fight, Rapunzel or Snow White, and then I realized: THIS SHOULD BE A FAIRY TALES BALLOON POLL.

[Poll #1366231]

I am actually really excited to write hilarious, irreverent, wildly meta, smushy fairy tale fanfiction in smirking manner of Fables. PLZ, LET'S DO THIS! (And I promise not to make it all weird and lame with Snow White and the dude.)

P.S. Check it out, leiascully, you're my title quote again. ;)