Fairy Tale Balloon Poll: Round Two

  • Mar. 26th, 2009 at 5:52 PM
ninamazing: An open book on a blue checkered tablecloth, with late afternoon light pouring in from the window behind. (book and teatime)
Round One: Cinderella's stepmother

"I vote you," says the Beast carefully. "And I'll have you know that this condition was brought about by nasty and insensitive behavior, in case that gives you pause."

"It doesn't," answers Cinderella's stepmother. "And for Heaven's sake, I was talking about her!" She points one truly knuckled finger at Baba Yaga; most of the company finds themselves surprised that her crimson nail isn't drooping under its own weight.

Baba Yaga mutters something that sounds suspiciously like "yob tvoyu mat."

"That wasn't very nice," Scheherezade notes, with amused detachment.

"I vote you, too," Cinderella announces, squaring her shoulders and facing her stepmother.

"Why, you little —"

The balloon's basket is tiny. It doesn't take long for the Beast to step forward, grab Auntie Cinders, and toss her, knobbly-limbed, over the edge. The Princess of the Pea ducks out of the way and clutches at her heart, bumping into Scheherezade, who primly adjusts her posture and her jewelry.

"Thank you," says Cinderella, ever-decorous. Prince Charming glares at the Beast.

"It was my pleasure," says the Beast.

Prince Charming attempts to add more ferocity to his glare, but he hasn't got the bone structure for it, and the whole bit just falls apart. Meanwhile, Hansel, Gretel, and Little Red Riding Hood are eyeing the proceedings as if they are being forced to watch an old film their parents always liked, and it's coming up on a twenty-seven-minute-long sex scene.

"This is all lovely," Rumpelstiltskin remarks, "but we're still losing altitude. And actually, it isn't lovely. I think you're all cretins."

"I feel like I could do tequila shots with you," says the Frog Prince with a friendly smile. The diminutive pair, perched just next to the altimeter and the dozing Beauty, glance at each other, as if to say: We must be the sardonic Greek Chorus of this lot, and we're okay with that.

"My gran says tequila makes your mind all wonky," Little Red Riding Hood pipes up.

"Yeah, my father told me that alcohol encourages unwise decision-making," agrees Hansel. Gretel looks as though she is trying very hard not to roll her eyes at her older brother. The Princess of the Pea seems desperate to agree with the two upright children, yet wary of the company's more dangerous elements.

"Your guardians are twits," says the Frog Prince.

"I see your dad outside the town brothel every Thursday," says Rumpelstiltskin.

"What's a brothel?" Red asks Hansel. Hansel looks at his hands, hoping they might tell him. Rumpelstiltskin and the Frog Prince cackle, while Prince Charming looks on with a confused mixture of envy and disapproval. In an attempt to catch Charming's eye, the Princess of the Pea contorts and jerks her perfect head. No one notices Baba Yaga pull a devilish little bottle from the sleeve of her cloak, clinking shot glasses with Scheherezade behind the Beast's impressive bulk.

"Uh, shouldn't we —" says Cinderella.

"Yes!" exclaim the Beast and Prince Charming at once, and a second glaring match begins.

[Poll #1372578]

Voting closes at midnight on Saturday. That's Friday night, for all you social creatures with lives outside of your computer!


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We celebrate peace. Yet we pay no attention to the ways of curing aggression in human beings. And when one sees in psychoanalysis hostility disappearing as people conquer their fears, one wonders if the cure is not there.
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